List of Vaping Dangers (a satire)

OK… I’m tired of hearing about all of the health risks I take on a daily basis from the time I wake up, until the time I go to sleep.  I figured that they would let up after I quit smoking… but they have not.  In fact, now that I’m partaking in something that hasn’t been around as long as smoking, the health warnings have doubled.  So, I started listening to all of these well-intentioned, if intrusive, warnings and cautionary tales.  Now, I’ve decided to put the following list together that lists in detail all of the ways in which vaping can affect you and the people and things around you.  Here it is:

First-Hand Vaping- This one refers to the damage you are doing to yourself by choosing to vape E-cigarettes.  If you continue to vape, you will die a horrible, screaming death while your children are murdered in front of you.

Second-Hand Vaping- This second entry refers to the damage that you are doing to those who stand near to you, as they breathe in your exhaled clouds of vapor.  This makes you a murderer of the first degree and a traitor to the safety and security of our unsullied nation.

Third-Hand Vaping- Do you come in contact with things and stuff and whatnot on a regular basis that has been exposed to the vapor of some unseen E-cigarette user’s disgusting vaping habit.  The vaper exhales vapor onto his/her checkbook, writes a check, puts the check in the mail, and someone at the other end opens it and takes out the check.  Bam!  Instantaneous death by anger-driven deity smiting!

Fourth-Hand Vaping- Sometime in the future, you may run across someone who vapes.  This mere possibility (admittedly a very probable possibility) will cause your lungs to collapse here and now, in the present time, and you will gasp for air as you slip away into nothingness.

Fifth-Hand Vaping-  Have you ever thought about vaping?  It would be damn-near impossible not to think about it whilst reading this article.  There you go!  Not only have you just killed yourself, but you’ve slowly dispatched everyone you’ve ever cared about.  If they happen to already be departed, they will be temporarily brought back to life and slowly murdered to death… again.

Sixth-Hand Vaping- Is it possible to travel at the speed of light?  If it is… then all time will be compressed and the space-time continuum will be bent in order to compress all of the vapor that will ever be exhaled into a solid, cast-iron freight train that is about to run you down… over and over again.  After you’re smithereens, it’s gonna go all Keyser Soze on the rest of your family and friends, and people to whom you owe money, and people who’s hands you’ve shook along the way.

Seventh-Hand Vaping- If it’s not possible to travel at the speed of light, you still have to worry seriously about the preternatural vapor of vapers who’ve already died.  In the afterlife, they vape a ghostly E-cigarette, and that ghost vapor is going to possess your soul and turn you into an insatiable cannibal.  When the police finally catch up with you, you’re going to toss yourself into a spinning helicopter blade.

And finally… Eighth-Hand Vaping- According to the multiverse theory, there is a universe in which you are a hard-core vaper.  Because of this, you are now dead… as is the entirety of your universe.  You killed the universe.  Good job, buddy!

Anyways.  That’s it.  I know, here it’s theoretically impossible to read this article from beginning to end if the article is true.  But behind the article, written in font that isn’t visible, is a completely different article about how a diet of lettuce and four-grains of granola per day is the pathway toward physical and spiritual health and… a bunch of hippie crap.  Fooled them!  (Who are they?  Why, the all-powerful, omnipotent FDA, of course!)

Secondhand Vaping? Are you Serious, FDA?

I suppose this was wholly inevitable.  The majestic Food and Drug Administration is now suggesting that people who are in the same room as someone enjoying their new found health through an E-cigarette filled with clean, harmless ingredients (Yes, nicotine is actually harmless under most circumstances… Google it!) are now in danger of catching the cancer and dying a horrible screaming death, alone and unloved.

According to their Holiness, the FDA, the emitted smoke (yes, they actually believe that e-cigarettes emit smoke) contains “ultra-fine liquid particles” (just like in real smoke, right?) laden with every carcinogen known to man… including lead.  So, it’s safe to say that the FDA has moved completely over to fiction now in their announcements, statements, and official documentation.  But my question to them is this:  What about the massive quantities of rat poison in printer ink which is propelled through the air on the backs of sound waves created by the noisy printer motor?  Or how ’bout those deadly, irradiated flubblerictens that fall off of spiderwebs hanging over airport bathroom stalls on Thursday afternoons?  See, I can make up wild, senseless facts, too!

The one thing that bothers me the most about this new vomitous schlock spewed forth from the Big Tobacco-owned lips of the FDA is their insistence on referring to E-cigarette vapor as “emissions.”  This is a great example of wordage chosen specifically to invoke a conditioned response.  The conditioned response in this case is a negative one, due to the association of the word “emissions” with the chemical fumes given off by vehicles and industrial machines.  Someone in the insane asylum of the FDA is at the very least skilled enough in spin doctoring to use a word with extremely negative popular connotations to, in turn, condition a new response in the reader/viewer.  The response they want to instill in you is that E-cigarettes pollute the air with dangerous, poisonous emissions and must be slain at all costs to save our children and our childrens’ children from man-eating, flesh-charring, fire-breathing demon dragons from Hell… or something like that.

P.S.  Pay attention to the interesting fact that each time the FDA releases yet another statement on the dangers of E-cigarettes, they conveniently add another non-existent, poisonous component, or additive to E-cig vapor… Now we’re up to the following list:  tobacco-specific nitrosamines, volatile organic compounds, acetone, form aldehyde, acetaldehyde, benzo(a)pyrene as well as silicate and various metal particles (sodium, iron, aluminum, nickel, copper, magnesium, lead, chromium, manganese, while potassium, and zinc) are all present in something that doesn’t actually consist of ANY of that.  Let’s see what else we can add next time.  And by the way, aren’t you (FDA) trying to regulate E-cigarettes specifically so that Philip Morris and R.J. Reynolds can add their own, addiction-increasing, cancer-causing additives to their own brands of E-cigs?  Can you say “inconsistent contradictions?”